Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm too high and old for this...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
