I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
