Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
