if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
