Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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