6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize