ya dads aren't the best wingmen
too bad you live with your parents still
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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