well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize