I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
