At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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