I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i believe in u and ur pee
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
