he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
