Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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