So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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