This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
