I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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