I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
