You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize