Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
