Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
