I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
