Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
