so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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