Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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