Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
