ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize