I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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