I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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