i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
