I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
