It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
