I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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