By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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