foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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