Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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