awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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