Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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