god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
