3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
