y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
