dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
