Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
