The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
