Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
