I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
