I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
