I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
