it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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