did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
