every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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