I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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