you would pick up someone in the library
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
