After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
