I showed him my bush... on skype.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize