Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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