wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
