what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
