If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
