I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
being pregnant is like rehab
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize