Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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