She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize