Have you finally orgasmed yet?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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