When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
