I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
