He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
