just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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