If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
