and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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