I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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