Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
