I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize