Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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